I had to get away. Away from the pain, the nightmares, the flashbacks, the pictures, the physical scars... away from the person that I have become. So I hopped in my vehicle and began a road trip. From state to state, I was alone with nothing but some good tunes, my thoughts, and the open road. The first stop renewed me like I never knew possible. Being around someone that I've known and trusted for 20 years has a way of reminding me of how I have grown. I laughed. Actually smiled and giggled. Nothing forced about it. No pretending or putting on a happy face for anyone. The birth was only briefly mentioned, and that was just to let me know that I have someone that I can confide in when I'm ready. And for the first time since the birth I was able to sleep without the light and/or muted tv on. And I used to be the type of person that wanted my bedroom so dark that I couldn't see my hand in front of my face. That was before the nightmares began though.
How can I say that I don't want anyone to hear what I went through? I feel that the perception that my friends have of me is that I am a strong, independent, empowered woman and mother. I don't want to burst that bubble. Not even my closest friends should know what I went through because I'm afraid that they will see that I was a woman that had all control taken from me. I was broken down so much that I've never been that vulnerable or powerless in my life. What if my friends see that person and are not able to separate me from her?
I had an eight hour drive after that. The most boring, straight, flat roads ever. Blah. As much as I hated that drive, it was good for my soul. I realized a few things that I hadn't taken the chance to dissect before. I was feeling anger towards someone that I am actually not angry at, but instead disappointed in. That was the first step. I very big step.
Being in the ocean, alone, was the best feeling. Jumping the waves seemed so humbling. Mother Nature. Even when I got a face full of salt water, I still felt in control. All I had to do was put my feet on the sand and stand up. But I let the water take me down for a split second, until I realized this. That had a huge impact on me, oddly enough. While I was powerless during the birth (and the days leading up to it) I can put my feet on the sand now and stand up. I am back in control.
rape in any form will cause a woman to feel shame at admitting to what she went through. It will cause her to believe everyone will view her as the person she was forced to be by the rapist. In all honesty this is not the truth, but it is a truth you will have to find on your own time, of your own will. Don't push yourself, true friends wont push you. It took me 8 years to admit to anyone other than my therapist about my rape. Finally when i came to realization that holding it in was only making me believe in moments of time that i was weak and vulnerable and not the person i hoped others perceived me as. Coming forward i finally regained my strength and empowerment. It is probably why with Eden's birth i was sooo quick to speak my shame, i didnt want my birth rape to hold me back for as long as my rape in high school had.
ReplyDeleteMany hugs, and know that no matter what was done to you i see you no other way than strong, empowered, forceful in your own rights and a loving caring woman who will make a kickbutt midwife.