latest update

The babies were 4 months old yesterday.  And I'm still bleeding.  
I ended up in the ER 2 weeks ago with cramping.  It was not painful, but I also was not willing to sit and wait for anything to happen.  Ugh, this is another thing that this surrogacy has done to me.. I am having a really hard time trusting my body.  Before this birth I would have just stayed right here unless an emergent situation would have happened.  Now I have no idea what my body is doing.  
Anyway, my midwife was on duty that night and told me to come in and she would be down.  We had to sit and wait for a little while, but then she did come down and brought her residents with her.  I can't stress how awesome everyone was to me.  Because of my freaking out I wouldn't let any male doctors near me and the residents were very good to do things with compromises.  At one point I had to move over to another table, but it was shoved up against the wall.  I just couldn't do it because looking at the table against the wall just made me flip thinking that I would be trapped and couldn't escape.  I told them (well, my midwife basically) and they moved the table for me into the middle.  It still sucked getting up there, especially since it was for convenience for the u/s machine, but at least they all helped me.  
Oh, I have to mention that when I had talked to my midwife earlier in the day she said that she was talking to a female OB, Sophia, who was going to see me to find out what was going on.  When my midwife looked in my chart to see exactly what day I had delivered on, she found a note from the radiologist that was added a few days after my last u/s that she hadn't been notified about.  It said that there was "something" retained in my uterus and follow-up was necessary.  Yeah, thanks a lot for that one!  Ugh.  Anyway, the poor residents couldn't even find my uterus with the u/s machine and it was a long night.  
I went for a u/s last Monday and the students there were horrible.  I came home and wrote my midwife and told her how unhappy I was.  I just wanted to cancel the appt with Sophia and forget the whole damn thing.  But luckily I have friends (and my midwife) that were being my voices of reason so I met Sophia last Wednesday.  I did not go in with an open mind at all.  Like a cat hiding under the bed really.  I have to say that she was pretty comforting.  I hate that I don't trust her as far as I can throw her, but I'm trying.  
She sat with me talking for 45 minutes and seemed very caring and concerned. My uterus is still measuring 10-11 weeks and a little atonic still.  After talking we decided to schedule a D&C for Tuesday, Dec 7th.  I say we, because she didn't try to 'tell' me what I am doing.  She actually treated me with respect and we discussed all of the risk v benefits and I was able to have informed consent.  HUGE difference.  Granted, I already have done enough research to know about it, but just being able to talk it all out was awesome.  
I told her that there is no way that I would agree to the D&C unless I could do it with a spinal.  Someone would have to be smoking crack to think that I would go under general now.  I explained that I sort of have this need to be in control and I couldn't just go to sleep and let whoever do whatever they want to my body.  
And if something would happen when she gets in there and I would end up losing my uterus... well, I need to be fully involved in that.  I can't imagine waking up and then finding out that she had to do a hysterectomy.  No way.  But again, she was super nice and said that she has done it twice with just a spinal, so she is fine with that.  Tomorrow is my appointment with anesthesia to talk about everything and get all of my pre-op things out of the way.  
I'm still having cramping off and on, but just uncomfortable, not painful.  I can not wait to have this over with.  Thursday will make 18 weeks of bleeding.  Do you have any idea what a pain in the ass that is for every day life?!! 

What I have to be Thankful for this year...

The day before Thanksgiving last year IM's doorbell rang and she learned that she was going to become a mother again.  

Never did I think that 1 year could have so many things happen that would change the course of my life.  

I stuffed the turkey this morning and then went outside to watch the sunrise.  I found myself crying.  

I am so incredibly blessed to be the mother to my amazing and healthy children.  

I am blessed and fortunate to have my mom as one of my best friends.  

I am so beyond grateful that I have such a close group of girlfriends that have been my rock this past year.  

My mother, cousins, and girlfriends hold me when I cry; laugh with me when I laugh; and sit with me when I just need someone to be close to without talking.  I could never repay these women for being so unbelievably amazing.  

I am thankful that I have a friend to have fun with because I like having an escape every so often to keep me smiling.

And I am thankful that my sister and I are working on our relationship and can be aunts to each other's children.

I am thankful that I get to raise my kids in Nana's house. 

Even after all that has happened in this year, I am finding myself so thankful that I gave birth to Frog & Turtle.  Without this experience I would not know my strength.  

I am thankful that my body had faith in my heart's desire to grow 2 big boys and keep all 3 of us healthy.  

I am thankful that IF, IM, their son, and their whole family will have Frog & Turtle in their lives.  

And I am thankful that I made it out alive because I know that this experience will give me the ability to become an amazing midwife.   I am thankful for the midwives that trust me and that they have always helped me and will continue to help me as I become a midwife.   

I am thankful that I was able to go on my 'new me tour'.  I will never be the same after everything that has happened... but I am better because of everything that has happened and for that I am thankful.

These are a few of the many blessings that I am thankful for this year.

Google is not my friend today

Ok, it's now been 14 weeks and 4 days since the birth.  I am still bleeding like a stuck hog.  Words can literally not explain how #$%*& over this I am.  To make matters worst, I played doctor and went online with all of my symptoms to see what I could be dealing with.  


medium clots
bleeding through a tampon every 3ish hours
uterus is very tender (um, that is an understatement as it has hurt like a mo-fo since the birth.. just a few inches above my pubic bone)
fundus measurement is still about 16 weeks
still dilated at least 1cm
dizziness


Do you have any idea how many freakish diseases & problems that describes?!  I need to step away from search engines.  


I emailed a midwife friend that has been helping me.  She is concerned and said that she will ask the OBs on Wednesday what their opinions are.  
At times I feel like just asking for a D&C to get this all over.  But I do not, not, not want to have to see an OB.  This just sucks.