a little contact..

IM's birthday was in January.  I emailed her through FB (even though we aren't friends on there anymore, I knew she would get it) and wished her a happy birthday.  Two days later she told me thank you and that she hopes the kids and I are doing well.  Not a mention of the Christmas presents, the babies, nada.   I was pretty upset and wrote her back telling her that I thought it was pretty crappy to not even acknowledge the gifts.
Not 2 hours later I went to the mailbox and there was a large envelope from her!
Inside were pictures from Frog & Turtle's newborn photo shoot, a photo book that had pictures from when we met all the way through the birth and some of the twins' first few months, and a card.  The front of the card simply said Thank You.  Inside she wrote on every square inch (including the back cover) thanking me for the Christmas gifts and telling me all about the twins.
I bawled and bawled until my eyes were swollen.  Hearing that Frog was getting ready to crawl, Turtle loves baby food unlike Frog.. it just really made me smile through the tears.  I immediately had to eat crow and email her back and apologize for being so not nice in the email 2 hours before that.  I emailed her back a thank you note a week or two later.  And she replied that she would send me updates.  Of course there is no guarantees with that, but surprisingly it made me feel better that she at least said that.
It's so weird that I didn't know how much an update would mean to me until I got one.  I still compartmentalize the birth in one category and the surrogacy in another.  But hearing about the twins actually felt good.
This past weekend I was running errands and got a text from her!  She just said that she hoped that I was having a good day, but if not maybe the text would make me smile.. it was a video of the twins!  Frog was absolutely laughing (so hard that he was probably pissing his diaper!) at Turtle when he was playing with a toy.  Oh I can't stop watching it!  Every time I do I just smile and tears roll down my cheeks!
It's like I've finally realized that I brought 2 real people into the world!  It's so unreal to think that I've always wanted to be a surrogate, and I actually did it and there are TWO more people in a family now!
So finally glad to be able to give a happy post on here (so I'll not go into anything else).  It sure does make me wonder where we will all go from here......

in time

The bleeding has stopped.  I've now had AF twice and it has been manageable (thank you tiny baby Jesus).  I had my follow-up appt this morning and all is well, finally.
I had to step far away from my blog for a little while and run from it all again.  
I was in the grocery store before Christmas and I was alone.  I came to the end of an aisle and looked up.  There he was.  
The monster.  
I was frozen.  
He looked me in the eyes and then looked down to my toes and looked all the way back up my body until he was looking me in the eyes again.  


And he smiled.  


He smiled at me.  


Smiled!  


This monster that ripped my soul out of my body was standing there smiling at me.  I took off running.  People were looking at me like I was on Supermarket Sweep because I was hauling ass out of there.  
I called my girlfriend that was at the birth and just sobbed.  I went into a panic attack and couldn't think.  My entire body was numb and tingling.  My cheeks stung from the tears.  I got in the car and drove to the end of the parking lot and had to stop in the middle because I couldn't move.  It was a solid hour of her keeping me calm before I could drive home.  I can not believe that he smiled at me.  
Now, before the pregnancy, we would have stood and chatted for probably 15 minutes.  But I refuse to let my mind believe that what he did was so insignificant to him that he could smile at me.  And so the nightmares began again.  My weight had plateaued at this point, but since then I've lost even more weight.  I'm now down 85 pounds from when I got pregnant, and I only gained 47 with the babies.  I have not seen a size 6 since 2002 until now.  
The day after I had surgery the IM deleted me from her FB.  Deleted from their lives.  Here are the texts from the next morning, which is the last contact that we've had....

me: Well then, I guess that is that.  I was really surprised that you didn't even email to check on me yesterday, but I suppose this is the end since you deleted me from FB  last night.  At least I can hold my head high & I know that I did an amazing thing for you.  I wish you & the 3 boys the very best in life. ~ {my name}

IM: {my name}, I am physically and mentally exhausted.. Being very honest with you, I worried and thought about you all day the day of your surgery.  But whenever I email you, I feel like I get a very quick, cold response.  Truthfully, I feel like I am bothering you.  I don't know what you want.  You don't even ask about the boys ever.  You did do an amazing thing for us.. I am forever grateful to you.  I deleted you from FB because I can't deal with this anymore.. I can't believe this is where our relationship has gone.  I wanted to share all the boys experiences with you, but you didn't seem interested.  I am sad, and heartbroken over this.... I can't believe this is where we're at. 

Her response leads me to believe that she never did get the 'letter' that I emailed them.  I knew that I shouldn't have sent it to the email that IF has access to.  Oh well.  It made me feel immediately better just writing it all out, so that's okay for now.  I did send 2 big boxes of Christmas presents to their house.  I had gotten the boys huge canvas bags/totes for their room and had their names embroidered on them and then I filled them with outfits and toys.  Mostly toys and clothes with turtle & frogs, of course.  And I felt irrationally guilty so I bought their son a few toys, her a few things, and even IF a couple of bottles of wine.  I had already not gotten a Christmas card, or pictures, but she didn't even send me a note to say 'f*ck off and leave us alone'.  So I guess that's that.    




But none of that is what is making me blog now.  Today, on our surrogate board, the subject of birth rape came up.  Someone said that she had been both date raped and birth raped.  She then went on to say 

 "The date rape is something I think about almost every day of my life, almost ruinng [sic] my current relationship bc of the torturing thoughts I have... 

The "birth rape", I have NEVER, EVER thought about it and doesn't pose a threat to my relationship bc of the torturous thoughts." 

This is the reply that I wanted to post, but I didn't want to put it there.  I needed to put it here where I feel safer. 
I will only speak about being birth raped (in context to your thoughts).. this by far has been the worst thing I have ever gone through in my life.  We aren't talking about someone upping the Pit when you've begged them not to.  This is something far more horrible.  
It has most definitely affected my every day life and now my relationships.  Not just the trust issue of somehow forcing myself to allow someone that I've known all of my adult life to be my partner, but it almost ruined intimate moments forever for me.  
The first time I was touched after the birth made me break down sobbing.  All I could do was flash back to the OB smacking my clitoris multiple times and screaming at me to shut up when I asked him to stop 'stretching' me.  This was while he was using his other hand to ram his 4 fingers into me over and over.  I kept begging him to stop.  He yelled "so now you're trying to tell me how to do my job?"  I was bawling and said that I was just trying to give birth.  


Okay, I can't do this.  I thought I was ready to write about it a little bit.  I can't.    

D&C day

In the middle of a freakishly early for this time of year snowstorm, I had the surgery today.  Last night I didn't sleep good at all.  I kept dreaming that the OB was in the room for my surgery and my arms were strapped down and he was coming after my vagina with a chain saw.  Any of you that know me in real life know that those are the only things in this world that I have an actual phobia of.  Even writing the words just gave me chills.
Anyway, the nightmares were not pretty at all last night, so hopefully I can get some sort of sleep tonight.  I've had my oldest son sleep in my room with me for the last couple of nights.  He said that I woke him up crying last night.  :(  I don't look forward to the day that he asks about the whole ordeal.  He knew that I was having a minor surgery today.  My kids (fortunately, or unfortunately! lol) know all about vaginas, penises, cervixes, etc so he understood what was happening today.  
My mom came and picked me up and we made the hour drive.  

Everything went pretty well. The OB was amazing at doing everything that I requested.. only women in the room, not restraining my arms at all, music playing, talk me through everything step by step, let me see the computer screen and explain everything to me, she didn't put up a drape so that I see her face and so that I could feel 'involved'. Those things made a huge difference in how it could have gone.

However, the spinal started wearing off when there was about 20-25 minutes left to go and I could feel the scraping, before that it was just pressure that I felt. I wasn't about to let them know because the anesthesiologist had already told me that if the spinal didn't work that she'd put me out with twilight. Hell to the no. So I just concentrated on breathing and not showing any pain on my face. And then the resident was really scraping in and out where all of the scar tissue is on my cervix and 'slightly nicked' the bottom. So the OB had to put in 4 stitches. That felt awesome. Barf.

There were a few bigger clots in there and one was up in front of my right fallopian tube so we couldn't really see the opening on the screen. And she said there were a few clusters of polyps. I've never had polyps before and so that part has me clueless and I'll have to research about it tomorrow.  She said that because of the drugs from IVF, twins the size of small elephants, hemorrhaging after, etc that I was at high risk for them.   
Anway, it's all empty now and that's what is important!!

I just wanted out of there and couldn't wait till I started being able to move a little bit. I was moving like a crack addict trying to hurry up and get the feeling back. As soon as I could really feel my feet I told the nurse that I needed to pee. She walked me to the bathroom and I had her get a pad for me. I told her I peed and she got my discharge papers. Yeah, my bladder was still way numb... but it worked and I'm home. My back is freaking killing me. Holy balls it hurts & now the cramping has started too.  They offered a pain script, but no thanks.  I had Mom stop to get Aleve, but I'm not planning on taking any.  Just get through tonight and hopefully it will be better tomorrow.

Thank you guys so much for the emails, texts, and calls. Hopefully this is the end and I can start to get my life back.

latest update

The babies were 4 months old yesterday.  And I'm still bleeding.  
I ended up in the ER 2 weeks ago with cramping.  It was not painful, but I also was not willing to sit and wait for anything to happen.  Ugh, this is another thing that this surrogacy has done to me.. I am having a really hard time trusting my body.  Before this birth I would have just stayed right here unless an emergent situation would have happened.  Now I have no idea what my body is doing.  
Anyway, my midwife was on duty that night and told me to come in and she would be down.  We had to sit and wait for a little while, but then she did come down and brought her residents with her.  I can't stress how awesome everyone was to me.  Because of my freaking out I wouldn't let any male doctors near me and the residents were very good to do things with compromises.  At one point I had to move over to another table, but it was shoved up against the wall.  I just couldn't do it because looking at the table against the wall just made me flip thinking that I would be trapped and couldn't escape.  I told them (well, my midwife basically) and they moved the table for me into the middle.  It still sucked getting up there, especially since it was for convenience for the u/s machine, but at least they all helped me.  
Oh, I have to mention that when I had talked to my midwife earlier in the day she said that she was talking to a female OB, Sophia, who was going to see me to find out what was going on.  When my midwife looked in my chart to see exactly what day I had delivered on, she found a note from the radiologist that was added a few days after my last u/s that she hadn't been notified about.  It said that there was "something" retained in my uterus and follow-up was necessary.  Yeah, thanks a lot for that one!  Ugh.  Anyway, the poor residents couldn't even find my uterus with the u/s machine and it was a long night.  
I went for a u/s last Monday and the students there were horrible.  I came home and wrote my midwife and told her how unhappy I was.  I just wanted to cancel the appt with Sophia and forget the whole damn thing.  But luckily I have friends (and my midwife) that were being my voices of reason so I met Sophia last Wednesday.  I did not go in with an open mind at all.  Like a cat hiding under the bed really.  I have to say that she was pretty comforting.  I hate that I don't trust her as far as I can throw her, but I'm trying.  
She sat with me talking for 45 minutes and seemed very caring and concerned. My uterus is still measuring 10-11 weeks and a little atonic still.  After talking we decided to schedule a D&C for Tuesday, Dec 7th.  I say we, because she didn't try to 'tell' me what I am doing.  She actually treated me with respect and we discussed all of the risk v benefits and I was able to have informed consent.  HUGE difference.  Granted, I already have done enough research to know about it, but just being able to talk it all out was awesome.  
I told her that there is no way that I would agree to the D&C unless I could do it with a spinal.  Someone would have to be smoking crack to think that I would go under general now.  I explained that I sort of have this need to be in control and I couldn't just go to sleep and let whoever do whatever they want to my body.  
And if something would happen when she gets in there and I would end up losing my uterus... well, I need to be fully involved in that.  I can't imagine waking up and then finding out that she had to do a hysterectomy.  No way.  But again, she was super nice and said that she has done it twice with just a spinal, so she is fine with that.  Tomorrow is my appointment with anesthesia to talk about everything and get all of my pre-op things out of the way.  
I'm still having cramping off and on, but just uncomfortable, not painful.  I can not wait to have this over with.  Thursday will make 18 weeks of bleeding.  Do you have any idea what a pain in the ass that is for every day life?!! 

What I have to be Thankful for this year...

The day before Thanksgiving last year IM's doorbell rang and she learned that she was going to become a mother again.  

Never did I think that 1 year could have so many things happen that would change the course of my life.  

I stuffed the turkey this morning and then went outside to watch the sunrise.  I found myself crying.  

I am so incredibly blessed to be the mother to my amazing and healthy children.  

I am blessed and fortunate to have my mom as one of my best friends.  

I am so beyond grateful that I have such a close group of girlfriends that have been my rock this past year.  

My mother, cousins, and girlfriends hold me when I cry; laugh with me when I laugh; and sit with me when I just need someone to be close to without talking.  I could never repay these women for being so unbelievably amazing.  

I am thankful that I have a friend to have fun with because I like having an escape every so often to keep me smiling.

And I am thankful that my sister and I are working on our relationship and can be aunts to each other's children.

I am thankful that I get to raise my kids in Nana's house. 

Even after all that has happened in this year, I am finding myself so thankful that I gave birth to Frog & Turtle.  Without this experience I would not know my strength.  

I am thankful that my body had faith in my heart's desire to grow 2 big boys and keep all 3 of us healthy.  

I am thankful that IF, IM, their son, and their whole family will have Frog & Turtle in their lives.  

And I am thankful that I made it out alive because I know that this experience will give me the ability to become an amazing midwife.   I am thankful for the midwives that trust me and that they have always helped me and will continue to help me as I become a midwife.   

I am thankful that I was able to go on my 'new me tour'.  I will never be the same after everything that has happened... but I am better because of everything that has happened and for that I am thankful.

These are a few of the many blessings that I am thankful for this year.

Google is not my friend today

Ok, it's now been 14 weeks and 4 days since the birth.  I am still bleeding like a stuck hog.  Words can literally not explain how #$%*& over this I am.  To make matters worst, I played doctor and went online with all of my symptoms to see what I could be dealing with.  


medium clots
bleeding through a tampon every 3ish hours
uterus is very tender (um, that is an understatement as it has hurt like a mo-fo since the birth.. just a few inches above my pubic bone)
fundus measurement is still about 16 weeks
still dilated at least 1cm
dizziness


Do you have any idea how many freakish diseases & problems that describes?!  I need to step away from search engines.  


I emailed a midwife friend that has been helping me.  She is concerned and said that she will ask the OBs on Wednesday what their opinions are.  
At times I feel like just asking for a D&C to get this all over.  But I do not, not, not want to have to see an OB.  This just sucks.

nice and considerate

Still haven't heard a word from the parents about the letter, or the bills.  I did receive the post card back showing that IM signed for the letter about the bills.  So today I called the hospital and sure enough they paid the bills the day after they got that letter in the mail.  So that part is finally done.  
I'm aggravated that she didn't at least email me to let me know that they took care of their responsibility.  Oh well, it's done.


And I am slowly putting together an outline in my mind for the letter to the OB.  I know there are a few key issues that I want to bring up to him.  Not just his lack of disrespect, or even the physical abuse that he did to me, but I am going to ask him the important "WHY?".  I know I'll never get a response back from him, and I am definitely good with never ever seeing his name written again.  But I need him to hear me ask why he did everything.  
Hopefully tonight I can start on the letter.  I can't believe how much better I feel after just sending the long letter to my IPs.  I feel like I can almost start to put that anger away.  I wonder if I'll feel the same way after I send the OB a letter?  
(oh, and to clear up any confusion to anyone reading this.. in the letter I stated that my BP went up when 'Dr N' came in... this was not my OB, it was the one on call the night I was in L&D)


I'll be doing a lot of positive affirmations in the next few days I have a feeling.  I need to remember that what happened was not something that defines me.  It was something that I went through and survived.  You can't control the action, but you can control the reaction.  I will appreciate any good vibes that you have to send my way!

(this is a TMI kind of post, so be warned) 12 weeks today

...and I'm still bleeding.  I've used tampons or pads 24 hours a day since the birth, minus a total of 4 days.  This is awesome.  I'm just waiting on TSS to kick in or some sort of weird disease from all of the tampon materials!  I think now is a good time to look into buying an instead cup.
I had planned on getting my tubes tied after the birth.  There is just no way that I can go to an OB to have it done now.  So I did have another midwife friend put an IUD in.  Hopefully that will help make me stop bleeding.  
My midwife (that was with me during the birth and afterwards) goes with the theory of your mind/body connection.  It's interesting to really look at that.  I was having such issues from the actual birth aftereffects that I only had good-size clots coming out until around 5 weeks.  Not the regular postpartum bleeding at all.  Now I've never had twins before, or blood transfusions, so I knew it would be different than my other pp bleeding.  But this was out of control.  I could feel each one come out and they were about the size of large grapes.  But I think she was on to something because I would notice that when I would sit and analyze the birth I would bleed heavier for a day or two.  
I had stopped bleeding (side note: the clots stopped when I got the IUD put in) the night before I went on my 'new me tour'.  That was a total mind thing.  I put it in my head that I wasn't going to bleed on my birthday, and I didn't!  But, I woke up on Saturday morning and had a lot of bleeding.  By Monday morning, I had to go to Target and by more underwear because in 3 days I had bled through all that I had taken with me.  I was going through a super tampon *and* a pad every 2 hours.  That was nuts.  Again, the whole mind/body thing.  I felt like I was getting rid of it all.  Shedding (sorry for the pun) everything mentally was also making me shed everything physically.  I actually embraced it.  Just get it all out and be done.  But, here I sit 2 weeks later and I'm still using pads.  sigh
Still having nightmares.  Mostly I dream that the OB is coming into my room and raping me.  Sometimes he uses objects.  Sometimes he uses his fist, again.  Sometimes he uses really weird things like shovels.  But they are almost the same dream.  For whatever reason I can't get the firemen to stop drinking and walk down the street to help me.  The OB always comes into my bedroom while I'm asleep and holds me down and rapes me.  
Last night's dream was a little bit different.  I saw the OB in Wal-Mart and I froze.  He was in the cotton ball section and he was laughing at me.  I don't know what got into me, but I started screaming (in real life too, which is what woke me up) and yelling for the firemen to hurry up and walk down the aisle because Wal-Mart had a fire station where the lawn furniture is. (For those that aren't local, I can see the fire station from my bedroom window.)  
On a good note, I've lost 66 pounds!  I honestly can not tell you the relief that comes with that.  I didn't know if I was going to eat so much that I would look like a blowfish and then carry that weight around forever.. and that would suck.  Thankfully I ate healthy foods and only gained 47 pounds.  But for all of the weight to just drop off like it did had been such a blessing.  I really think that I would have been depressed if I was huge on top of everything else.  And I think that hormonally it helps a lot too since I would have the post-babies body, but without the babies.  Ya know?
Still no word from the IPs.  I'm just praying that I get a check for the bills by Monday so that I can get that part finally taken care of.  

always boils down to it, huh?

I sent the big letter on Wednesday morning.  That afternoon I checked the mail and got a huge surprise.  It was a notice from the hospital that the bills have not been paid.  

$%^&*  Seriously?  

I called the hospital and the lady in billing said that only 1 bill had been paid for $71 on September 9th.  So I got the balance and thanked her.  Then I had to call the OB's office to see about the bills there.  I was in a cold sweat and had to hang up as soon as it started ringing to go to the bathroom and have diarrhea.  Awesome.  I finally was able to call there and talk to the receptionist.  They haven't paid those bills either.  

Here goes another letter.  So I told them that I expect a check written to me by Monday the 25th so that I could pay the bills myself.  I mean we have a freaking contract to protect me, but I seriously do not want to have to sue.  I mailed it out Friday with signature required.  We'll see what happens.

IM hasn't emailed back regarding the big letter.  In a way, I am really surprised about that.  I wonder if she'll ever let IF read it, or even know about it.  I'm sure that he would be majorly pissed off seeing everything that I said.  But hey, she is the one that made the choice to marry and stay with someone like that.  So I can only feel bad for her up to a point.

 

one last thing, and then it's off...

I had to edit the letter before I sent it this morning.  There was one thing missing that I couldn't let be unsaid.  And I also decided that the parents do not need to see the letter that I am writing to the OB.  I will share it on here, but I am no where near ready to start it yet.  I'm getting there, for sure, but it will take me a little more time. 
Speaking of the OB.  His wife put a quote on FB last night that gave me chills.  A. if she knew what this man was capable of (and what he did to me), it would make her sick and 2. it was so incredibly fitting and I even commented on how it applies, but left it at that.

your 1st mistake was pissing me off..your second was underestimating me

Oh yes, that is exactly how I feel now.  In the stages of grief, I think I am getting to the point where I am just so completely pissed off.  How could he do those things to me?!  But I will come out fighting and he will not win and have control over me!


Here is the part that I added to the letter for IM. 

I am not angry with you about the birth.  What the OB did to me was a different matter that did not involve you.  But I am disappointed in you, as a woman, that you did not advocate for me or the babies.  When I lost my voice at the end, you should have stepped up and taken over for the babies as their mother.  Not just during the birth, but at the end of the pregnancy as well.  I was the only one fighting for their safety.

Alright, I wrote the first letter....

Here it is, in the raw form.  I did send it to 2 friends for proof-reading, but this is it.  I plan on sending it by the end of the week, assuming that I can get the letter written to the OB first. And that will be a separate blog post.  
              (All identifying information has been taken out.)

Wow, I never thought in a million years that I would be writing this letter.  But after everything has gone the way that it has, I am now put in this position.  I need to let both of you know my thoughts and feelings on exactly what has gone on and then it is in out of my hands.  At this point, I have nothing to lose, or gain, it seems.  But I have to continue to be true to myself so here it is.

IM~

I wanted to become a surrogate to help a couple become a family.  I didn't intend on working with a couple that already had a child or children.  But when we first started talking I just really couldn't consider helping anyone else because I could hear the hurt in your voice and it killed me.  When you finally told me that IF was an OB, I figured that it was going to be a challenge.. and I love a challenge!  Even though you wanted me to not do the safest thing by going to the hospital for a healthy & normal pregnancy, I considered that a challenge too... walk in at the last minute and push the baby out and then come home, seemed easy enough.  

All through the pregnancy I was getting more and more excited for you.  Even though a home birth was taken from me and the babies, I still had a lot of things going the way that I needed them to.  And then each of those things were taken away.  Finding out the sexes of the babies, laboring at home where I was comfortable, handing each baby to you so that I could see your face when you finally saw your new children, being able to be a surrogate at least one other time, and then coming home after the birth to recover where I could feel more comfortable.  I understood that it was going to be next to impossible to not find out the genders with the PBO.  So I still made it fun when you confirmed that they were boys.  The other things were all ripped away from me.  Even when I was ordered to show up for an induction, the only thing that got me through the entire day without going batshit crazy was knowing that I could hand each baby to you and see your face.  There isn't a surrogate in the land that doesn't anticipate that moment.  That is the whole reason that we do this!  And then each baby was ripped from me and I couldn't even see your face.  I was so numb that I couldn't take my concentration off of keeping my right foot on the pedal.  Because of what the OB was doing to me, that is all I could focus on.  

I'm not even sure what to say about the induction.  You asked me if I see it differently now that I'm not pregnant.  No.  I do not.  As a student midwife I am being taught to always go by 'evidence-based medicine' with all biases aside.  An induction at 38w5d under the guise of "PIH" is in no way 'evidence-based medicine'.  But that sure is what my medical records will say for the rest of my life.  The absolute only time my BP was anywhere near what would be considered elevated was when I was stressed.  Actual PIH is only accurate with consistent readings above 140/90, water retention, and protein in the urine.  

A. a record of BPs above 140/90, or even consistently near that, is not to be found with this pregnancy.  The only time my blood pressure was even remotely elevated occurred only during OB appointments with you and/or IF present.  And also the night I was in the hospital, because of the stretching pain in my side, when Dr N came on the floor I knew I was flipping out and it was elevated.  After he left, it returned to 120's/70's.  According to my charts, my BP did not consistently remain near the 140/90 point at any time during my pregnancy.  Period.  

2. did I have water retention?  You bet.  I was 8 & 9 months pregnant during the hottest July (with humidity as a factor) on record, pregnant with 2 normal size babies, spent most of my time outside, and I was running around chasing my own children.  Yes, I was a little bit swollen.   

d. Protein in urine?  Yes I did have trace amounts.  I dipped my urine before you came to get me the morning of 'the appointment'.  I had a trace amount of protein.  That is it.  Trace, not +3 as I was told in his office. I just do not know, physiologically, how I could go from letting my urine build up for over 3 hours and I only got a trace amount, to peeing in his office less than an hour later and I had +3, and then it was back down to trace amounts when I dipped it again an hour and a half after the appointment.  

And I have to touch on the 'significant weight gain' that I was told that I had.  I can not wrap my brain around 47 pounds (w/ over 15 of that being babies), when I am 5'10", and I am not considered obese, as a significant amount.  I was told at the appointment that I had gained 8 pounds in 10 days.  IM, you kept repeating that "this is dangerous, {my name}. we aren't talking about 5 or 6 pounds. eight pounds in 10 days is almost a pound a day and that is dangerous".  That was a blatant lie that I was told by the OB.  I gained 6 pounds in 10 days according to my certified medical records.  

Actual PIH can also include headaches, blurred vision, inability to tolerate bright light, fatigue, nausea/vomiting, urinating small amounts, pain in the upper right abdomen, shortness of breath, and tendency to bruise easily.  With these symptoms present (along with the other 3 above) an induction should be considered and then using risks v benefits a safe conclusion should be made.  I challenge anyone to show me when a single one of these symptoms were present during the pregnancy.  I have also had other physicians and midwives go over my medical records and charts.  There has not been anyone that confirms that an induction was warranted for a medical reason that day.  You gave me a direct quote that came apparently from {my midwife}.  After talking to her, I was told that that was a completely untruthful quote.  She said that she has no idea if I would have failed another 24 urine catch.  Period.

Now that I've answered that question, I will answer your other question: did I feel I was emotionally ready for surrogacy?  From the time that we started talking until around 36 weeks I felt as if you and I had developed a friendship.  I thought I was one of the lucky surros that could consider my IM a friend.  While I knew that I was 'a means to an end', I also honestly thought that we were more than that on a personal level.  When people asked me who the babies belonged to I always said that I was carrying for a friend.  At the end of the pregnancy I felt that you were feeling pressure because I hadn't already had the babies.  I feel this pressure was coming from IF, knowing when his vacation was scheduled for, family & friends, and just the general excitement knowing that we were within a month of the babies coming.  I felt as if the energy changed when you started going to appointments with me knowing that we were still just chugging along and they wouldn't be born before IF went on vacation.  When we were at the Olive Garden with {a doula friend} you even stated that I needed to have the babies before he came down.  {Doula friend} & you even made jokes about you pleading me to go into labor before he came down if I wanted to have a smooth, natural birth.  That was a real eye-opener for me.  You were completely serious and I took it as a warning that things were not going to go the way I/we had planned if not.  

I was trying to bend over backwards to help put you at ease by scheduling my appointments with {my chiropractor} & the OB so that you could come.  I even did a NST that the OB didn't require because you wanted me to.  There wasn't a medical reason, but I knew that you would feel less anxiety having proof that the babies were still going strong.  I worked it out so that {my doula/close friend} & I could go early that Friday morning to do the test.  I called you before I ever got to the hospital to let you know the plan and I offered 3 different times to wait on you to come to it.  You chose not to, which honestly made me feel relief because with the different energy around (coming from all of us) I was worried that my BP would go up and that would be the ammunition IF needed to call for an induction.  As it was my BP was perfect and so were the babies.  And then you decided to leave.  Feeling like I wasn't going to go into labor soon I felt that was a good thing too.  Let everyone have time to regroup because I did not like feeling so much stress and pressure and I sure didn't want it to go on like that for another 3 weeks.  

On Monday morning when I started having contractions I didn't know if it was the real thing or not.  But I called you and let you know what was going on so that you could have the choice of coming down or waiting.  When I found out that you were coming in the same vehicle, I knew right then that you would not be leaving when IF's vacation was over without the babies.  On Monday I still felt that I could trust you.  And I was excited that you were going to be down here so that I didn't feel the stress of a quick birth that you would miss.  I was a little disappointed that I didn't have the babies that night.  On Tuesday evening, when I came to the resort, IF asked me to consider 'natural' induction methods.  I thought "oh boy, here we go.. he only has a week of vacation that he chose to schedule when I was only 38 weeks.. I'm still pregnant.. he's still 'stuck' down here (as I was reminded a few times)... and everyone is over this pregnancy".  And then the two of you decided that the babies were fighting each other, and my body, for nutrition and we were 'in the danger category' of the pregnancy.  There was not a single bit of medical evidence to support this.  IF said, and I quote, "there is nothing to be gained by you being pregnant still, for the babies or you".  He used that quote a few more times before the night was over and again the next day at the appointment.  (Honestly, it is scary if that is his belief as an OB taking care of pregnant women, but I'm not even going there.)  This was when all trust was lost on my part.

I knew going into the appointment that this was the angle that IF was going for.  I knew that one way or another I was going to be coerced into an induction.  And I even brought up his 'concerns' during the appointment, but that was shuttled away because I was already given the order for the induction so it didn't matter all of a sudden.  When I left the house that morning I was armed with knowing that medically the babies & I were both safe and healthy.  While I was giving my urine sample I heard the three of you talking at the end of the hallway.  Still trying to keep my integrity, I walked into the room without causing a scene.  The wonderful nurse, who also already had tears in her eyes, said that the OB told her not to take my BP until he was in the room.  Hmm, wonder why my BP was up when the 3 of you came in?  Realizing that apparently I do have a price so I didn't have a choice to say no to the induction makes me physically ill to think about.  I gave my word to honor our contract so I had to keep it... even if it was against everything I believe in, actual evidence-based medicine, and trying to protect the babies and my own body.  

IM, I honestly believed you when you came to my house that night and said that you felt stuck between me and IF.  You didn't have to confirm that he was pissed that I was still pregnant and his vacation was almost over, but it did give me validation that at least you were caring enough to let me know that this was going on.  But I gave up all responsibility for the babies' safety that night, as I told you.  IF knew the medical risks of giving a twin pregnancy, a 4th almost full-term pregnant woman Pitocin when her body & the babies were not ready.  But he still decided to.  You asked me to understand that you could not tell your husband no.  I could not do that.  As a mother, there is not a person on this earth that could make me forgo the safety of my children to fit their own agenda.  But we are different people and I accept that now.  The irony in you showing up that night to talk is that I was in labor.  I had taken the castrol oil, prayed beyond belief, walked, etc and I was actually having contractions that were 3-4 minutes apart and getting more intense.  I told Mom, around 9:30, that I just 'knew' that the babies were going to be born around 3-3:30am.  We came up with the plan to call you, {midwife friend}, and {doula/close friend} around 11:30-12 to meet us at the hospital.  We were slowly, in between contractions, getting things packed for the hospital when you got here.  From the moment that you walked in the door I only had 2 contractions until you left.  My body completely shut my labor down.  Fight or flight.  I decided hell with it and I went to lay down.  I gave up. 

The day of the induction... well, here are my thoughts.  I did what I was told to do.  I was ordered to show up for an non-medically necessary elective induction, that went against everything that we had ever discussed, but I did not financially have a choice to go against the contract, so I went to the hospital.  (Comp wise, absolutely I could/would repay every dime to change the birth.. but I do not have the liquid assets to reimburse you for the attorneys, RE, IVF attempts, and medications to breach the contract...so I did as I was contractually obligated to do.)  

I felt a lot of pressure to make the birth go as smoothly as possible.  I am the first gestational surrogate in {our state}, so legally I wanted everything to go the best that it could so that other women & families will be able to pursue surrogacy in the future in this state.  I am striving to become a midwife and will need to keep a good working relationship with the staff so that I can transport women there when medically needed.  The first surrogacy for the hospital so they legally needed it to go perfectly.  And I had to literally fight for a vaginal birth for myself and the babies.  And for a vaginal birth, I even had to fight off an epidural so that statistically I would have better odds.  However the real reason that I did not get one is because in order for the OB to cut me open, he would have to put me under general.  I knew that he would have to have actual concrete reasons to cut me open if he had to knock me out to do it.  And the RNs told me that day that they would not sign off on anything unless it was a fact that there was an actual emergency going on.  Those things alone are a lot to deal with, even with the most perfect births and relationships going on.  

I have to stop and talk about the things I found out from the nurses.  When one of the RNs came in to start her shift she came into my room and told me some very disturbing things that I was blindsided by.  I've known this woman for years and she had promised that she would come in for the birth day as long as I got ahold of her to let her know when it was happening.  That morning she told me "when you called the hospital on Monday saying you were in labor, it was my day off but I changed my plans and came in when they called me {telling her that I was in labor}.. then you didn't show up and we were all confused!".  I was so confused because I did not call the hospital on Monday.  When I asked what she was talking about she said "when you called Monday saying that your contractions were 5 minutes apart and you wanted both OBs notified so they could put the OR on standby".  Are you kidding me?!  Not only was that completely illegal to do, but I just can not believe that you did that!  If you had called telling them the truth, that you were YOU, to give them a head's up, that would be one thing.  But you didn't even tell me that you did that!  I knew nothing of this conversation!  I was also told by another RN, that I've also known for years, that when I didn't come in Monday night the OB called Tuesday morning and cleared the books for inductions Thursday because I would be coming in.  She said that my room had been kept open since Monday because they knew that I was coming Thursday.  Funny how I didn't find out that I 'needed' to be induced until Wednesday afternoon.  And then there is that matter of the phone call that IF made outside before we left for the appointment Wednesday.  {babysitter} was on the porch and heard the whole conversation between IF (and IF's friend) where IF told her that we were leaving for an appointment, but I was going to be induced the next morning and the babies would be born the next day.  {babysitter} tried with all of her might to get my attention so that she could get me alone to tell me this before we left.  But I didn't know until we came back to my house and you guys had gone.  {babysitter} contacted Mom, while we were gone, so that Mom could get her clothes packed to head over here.  And {my son} said that {IP's son} told him Tuesday evening while they were swimming that "Dad told me my brothers are going to be born Thursday".  After hearing all of this information, the lack of respect and trust was completely thrown out the window towards you.  I still did what I was asked to do, but that was a huge factor in the labor lasting as long as it did.  So much hostility to deal with while trying to make my body perform was not good.

I had a talk with {doula/close friend} during one of my escapes while eating in the bathroom.  I wasn't sure how to get the energy to be positive, but I knew that I couldn't feel so much anger towards everything if I was going to productively give birth.  That was a big turning point in my labor.  And just so that it's out there, I was very proud and impressed with the nurses being as nice to you guys as they were.  I was told that IF was trying to 'buy' them by bringing in lunches and dinners, but that they were on my 'side'.  Sounds like the food was good, I was not offered any while I was in the hospital at any time.  

And then the birth happened.  

As with other rape victims, I had to crawl inside of myself and it became something that was happening to someone else.  That it was not happening to me.  It was a complete out of body experience.  To have a man take complete control over my body, humiliate me, put me up on the bed raised so high in the air so that I could not escape, violate me when I was at my most vulnerable, hold my ankles and leg down so that he could take the power out of my ability to fight back, and do the horrific things that he did to me... I just can't understand the 'why' of it.  I am slowly accepting that I will never know why.  The only way I have to fight back now is to let every woman in this area know what he did.  I could never knowingly let another woman be put through what I went through.  Surrogacy aside, what he did was illegal and dangerous.  I am still struggling with not being able to tell my closest friends.  I feel that they all perceive me as a strong, independent, empowered woman... I have 9 pound babies on my bed & vaginally give birth unmedicated to other people's babies for crying out loud.  But I can't tell them what happened to me.  I am struggling with it so much because I don't want them to know that I was broken, used, humiliated, powerless, and destroyed that day.  I am afraid that they will not be able to distinguish between the person that went through the birth rape from the person that they all feel that I am. 

One of the other reasons that I decided to help you is because you said that you were going to induce lactation to be able to nurse your baby.  That was very important to me because I feel so strongly in the benefits of breastmilk.  I was more than happy to help supplement for a few weeks.  I finally asked you how that was going when I was around 33 (?) weeks.  That was when you said that you decided not to because you felt that it was going to be so overwhelming and you didn't know if you would ever make enough for twins.  Okay, that is your right as they are your babies, even if I disagree with that decision.. not my babies.  But then you asked if I would pump for their first year.  I was floored!  I had already given so much to be a surrogate, to know that I had to have a hospital birth, to put my children through everything... but to continue to do it for another entire year because you were too intimidated to nurse your own children...but you thought it was perfectly acceptable that I do it?  Oh hell no.  But then I felt guilty so I gave you names and information for other women that were more than happy to do it for you.  And I even had {friend} give you some of her milk when we thought the babies might have been born at 34 weeks.  But you chose to not contact anyone to get donated milk.  And, again, that's your right.  But then {the night RN} came into my room to see if I wanted a manual or electric pump because you told her that I was going to pump colostrum, that really upset me.  After everything that I had just gone through, and knowing that I told you that I wasn't going to pump, and not to mention the chemicals that I had to have because of the induction and hemorrhage, but the RN was still asked to see which pump I wanted to borrow from the hospital... nope, not happening.    

My 'new me tour' was probably the best decision that I have ever made in my life.  At first I was using it as a distraction to run away from it all.  But I am so fortunate that I have such amazing people in my life that I can trust, that I was able to actually start the real healing process.  I know that I need to keep talking about the birth and that it will slowly get easier to accept what he did to me.  I see the birth & the surrogacy as two different things.  

I knew all along that you read what I post on {a website}.  And knowing that, I felt that I couldn't talk about the surrogacy and any negative things on there with the other surrogates.  I will not even discuss the thread from the day of the induction.  I posted the truth and that is the only thing that I have control over.  I did not even look at the thread until the day after I came home.  However hearing how my friends were treated at the hospital because of what other people were saying on the thread on {the website} and also Facebook, that was completely uncalled for.  They had no more control over others' opinions than I do.  While I agree with most of what was posted, I did not do it publicly.  I was being honest with everyone when I wrote on {the website} that I lost the real relationship that I have with my IPs.  The 'real' relationship being the key part.  The week that the babies were born I did know that I was going to not want to actively pursue a relationship.  I figured if we kept in touch, fine.  If not, fine.  But after what the OB did to me I could not look at the babies without them being a constant reminder of the birth.  I saw their pictures and all I could do was flash to being held down with his hands.  Just too painful.  

But I am trying my damnedest to put aside the actual birth and remember that I helped make your mom, and IF's parents, grandparents again.  I helped your Aunt & your sisters to have two new nephews.  I helped {IP's son} be a big brother.  I helped make two new cousins come into the family.  And that I helped you become a mother to two more sons.  I literally helped to make your entire family different.  Sure they could have still been born to another surrogate, but I am the one that got to help.  

I am also trying my best to let myself be proud for fighting to give birth vaginally, to a 7lb3oz baby and a 8lb4oz baby, within 12 minutes of each other, outside of the OR, and unmedicated.  That alone should empower me to the highest level, but it will just take time I think.  And I do plan on talking to my girlfriends about the birth soon.  This letter was a huge step in the healing for me.  

Will I ever want a relationship of some kind?  Honestly, I do not know right now.  I am just taking my time trying to deal with all aspects and sort through each issue one at a time.  

Seeing the picture of the boys where {one of the twins} was grinning did make me smile.  That's the first time that I've seen their faces and let myself look at them as someone's cute babies and not a reminder of what the OB did to me.  I am still hurt that I didn't get a chance to hold and snuggle the babies like most surrogates do.  And it was the very first birth that I have ever been to that I did not cry over the miracle of birth.  And that is very upsetting to me.  There was never a time for me to get closure with them because I was busy being stabilized and prepped for getting blood transfusions.  Knowing that the hemorrhage was completely avoidable by not inducing me is a pretty big pill to swallow.  

And to be honest, I am still upset that you did not step up to financially take care of me after the babies were born.  I had to be on medically necessary total bed rest, that you were completely aware of, and yet I had to pay $900 to {babysitter}.  She was here for 13 days, at least 14 hours a day taking care of me and my children...cleaning, cooking, babysitting while I was stuck in bed because physically I could not stand up without feeling like I was going to pass out cold.  {cousin} came to take care of me the day my mom had to go home to work (Sunday) and then {babysitter} was here the rest of the time.  This was all a direct result of the blood loss, not just the normal recovery after a pregnancy.  {babysitter} had to rearrange her entire life to do this.  She had to bring her grandkids with her twice, and then she paid for them to go to a daycare the other days because she was not able to babysit them like she had committed to with her daughter.  Her sister also had knee replacement surgery the week after the babies were born and she had already committed to taking care of her (and {cousin} and {doula/close friend} split that day to be with me and the kids so that {babysitter} could at least go to the hospital to be with her sister after her surgery, and then {babysitter} came back here that evening).  Instead their other sister had to take time off of work to do that because {babysitter} chose to be with me.  There was no way that I could not pay her.  Luckily she loves me and the kids enough that she did rearrange everything for me.  My mom just could not take any more time off of work to be here.      

To answer the question of whether I was emotionally ready for surrogacy.. yes, I was ready.  I had no problems with taking the required chemicals.  I had no problems staying detached to the babies.  And I had no problems with my hormones after the birth.. somehow!  I let your decisions for the babies come from you, because you are their mother.  That's what surrogates do.  I was emotionally ready to lose my uterus, if it came to that, because I am done with my family.  So yes, I was completely ready emotionally for surrogacy.  

I was not emotionally ready to be raped that day by the OB or to feel that my IPs went behind my back in any way.  And I was not emotionally ready to know that I can never trust another set of IPs again.  So I don't know how in the world I could ever be a surrogate again.  I was not emotionally ready for this to be my only surrogacy.  Not to mention how I could actually give birth without letting the PTSD come back and that would stop any vaginal birth in its tracks.

I am so blessed that I do have the support that I do.  And I am beyond amazed that after everything, there has not been a hint of postpartum depression.  Perhaps that is my stubbornness coming through, but I refuse to allow this to be the new me.  I will not let the OB win by wallowing in a depression for months or years over what he did to me.  I am slowly getting over the guilt that I feel because my mother, friend, and {midwife} were witness to the worst day of my entire life.  They should have never been in that room to see what he did to me.  That day was far more horrible than when I found out that my best friend {her name} had died.  And, being completely honest here, I am slowly getting to where I do not regret the babies even being born.  I wanted to take it all back, even though that would mean that they would never be alive.  But I am getting to a healthier place and accepting that I had to go through it all for some reason.  And I now am happy that they are in the world.  But having a relationship in any capacity with you will take time, and I can't even know if that is something that I will want or not yet.  Hopefully I will soon be able to answer when people ask how the babies are doing.  Right now I just say that I don't want to discuss it and change the subject.  But I will get to that place and I am on the right path finally.                  

IF, I only have one question for you.

How could you, not as the father of the babies or even as an OB, but just as a man, and a human being with a heart and soul, how could you allow the OB do those vile and sadistic things to me without stepping in and trying to protect me in any way?  

That is it.  The forgiveness is in my hands.  After thinking about nothing but this 24/7 since the end of July I have decided to forgive the things that I feel were done to me on the part of both of you.  I can not hold the anger in any longer.  This letter was horribly painful for me to write and relive, but I am glad that I did because it has helped ease my soul on the path of healing.  The issues with the OB have been discussed in a letter to him that I am attaching. 

my horoscope today

You're not exactly incapable of holding a grudge, but on a day like today, you are sure to forgive more easily than anyone else. Let those who offend you know that they're off the hook as soon as they make amends.

 So I wonder a lot about what would make it 'right' for me with the parents.  Sometimes I think that if the IF (Intended Father) would send me a letter telling me he is so sorry for forcing the birth, not caring that the safety of his babies & my life were at risk, betraying me, and generally acting like a douche towards my friends, family & myself if that would somehow justify my feelings that he did not care about me, but that he does now genuinely see how wrong he was.  I feel like 'a means to an end' to him.  I feel like the IM (Intended Mother) wanted a baby more than anything else in life and so he gave his sperm & wrote the checks to make her happy because he loves her.  I have no idea if he wanted the babies to complete his family.  He never even so much as said "thank you for taking such amazing care of our children..thank you for eating healthy food to nourish them so that they are healthy...thank you for believing in your body...thank you for giving over two years of your life, and your family's lives, for my family...just thank you".  Not one single time did he ever tell me how much he appreciated me when I almost died during the birth.  I was told this all over and over from my IM, but never once from him.  Now he did thank me for traveling to the doctors appointments.  He thanked me for doing medically unnecessary ultrasounds & tests to put their minds at ease.  He thanked me for sending the bills to him in a timely manner.  But, almost ten weeks later he has yet to say 'thank you for giving me two healthy sons'.
The only time he ever said that he was sorry for anything was during 'the appointment' when I was ordered to show up the next morning to be induced.  He said, sarcastically, that he was "sorry that you aren't getting the birth that you dreamed in your head that you would have, but that's the way it goes".  That's it.  He has never told me that he is sorry that what he made me do destroyed me.  I've never been told that he is sorry that he refused to allow my body to do what it was made to do.  He has not told me that he is sorry that he went behind my back and developed the plan for my birth.  (side note: I hold the OB responsible for his part in the whole plan also, but it was almost out of his hands at the end.... but there will a plethora of posts all about the OB and the damage that he did to me later as I can't write/talk about him still)  The IF has never told me that he is sorry that he did not step in, as a human being, and stop what was being done to me by the OB during the birth.    
  
Why do I care?        

my 'new me tour'

I had to get away.  Away from the pain, the nightmares, the flashbacks, the pictures, the physical scars... away from the person that I have become.  So I hopped in my vehicle and began a road trip.  From state to state, I was alone with nothing but some good tunes, my thoughts, and the open road.  The first stop renewed me like I never knew possible.  Being around someone that I've known and trusted for 20 years has a way of reminding me of how I have grown.  I laughed.  Actually smiled and giggled.  Nothing forced about it.  No pretending or putting on a happy face for anyone.  The birth was only briefly mentioned, and that was just to let me know that I have someone that I can confide in when I'm ready.  And for the first time since the birth I was able to sleep without the light and/or muted tv on.  And I used to be the type of person that wanted my bedroom so dark that I couldn't see my hand in front of my face.  That was before the nightmares began though.
How can I say that I don't want anyone to hear what I went through?  I feel that the perception that my friends have of me is that I am a strong, independent, empowered woman and mother.  I don't want to burst that bubble.  Not even my closest friends should know what I went through because I'm afraid that they will see that I was a woman that had all control taken from me.  I was broken down so much that I've never been that vulnerable or powerless in my life.  What if my friends see that person and are not able to separate me from her?   
I had an eight hour drive after that.  The most boring, straight, flat roads ever.  Blah.  As much as I hated that drive, it was good for my soul.  I realized a few things that I hadn't taken the chance to dissect before.  I was feeling anger towards someone that I am actually not angry at, but instead disappointed in. That was the first step.  I very big step.  
Being in the ocean, alone, was the best feeling.  Jumping the waves seemed so humbling.  Mother Nature.  Even when I got a face full of salt water, I still felt in control.  All I had to do was put my feet on the sand and stand up.  But I let the water take me down for a split second, until I realized this.  That had a huge impact on me, oddly enough.  While I was powerless during the birth (and the days leading up to it) I can put my feet on the sand now and stand up.  I am back in control.  

just like delivery.. push until it hurts too bad, then take a breath

The last 3 months just seem so surreal.  

Everyone tells me that I need to keep talking & telling my story because that is one of the best ways to start the healing process.  Just how do I even begin to do that?  Usually I have no problems with chatting, and I am an open book for sure!  But how do I put into words the story that I am trying my hardest to forget?  Is it possible to actually get to a safe place now?  

Just like delivery I will try to push until the pain is inconceivable, but then I know I will retreat.  One day I hope to be able to push through the pain without stopping and deliver a birth story from that day that isn't overpowered with my humiliation at what happened.

When confronted with the most indescribable evil there are two choices: give in or get strong.  The crazy part is that I was the strongest I have ever been in my 30 years just three months ago.  As I write this tonight I am the most broken person I know.  There has to be a way to feel whole again.  If I could just understand 'why' then maybe I wouldn't be so damned confused!

I refuse to edit this blog.  Because this is *my* new normal.. beaten, broken, hurt, betrayed, used, violated, but full of willpower & determination to be stronger than I was before... which I never knew was possible.

So as I begin this new journey I have a few goals in mind that I want to achieve.  But at the top of the list has to be accepting that I brought two people into this world in the most horrific way & being able to come to terms with the twins' birth so that I can become the empowered woman that I once was and know that I'm capable of again.  Somewhere in between I need to embrace the new family and forgive what has happened.  I want to also somehow fill in the gaps of that day that my mind is forcing me to never remember.  Right now the pain is just so fresh and raw.  

But I will win this war, even though I lost the battle.  I freaking refuse to even walk on the thin line of postpartum depression over this!  I teetered on the edge of that with my oldest son's birth and I will not be going back there.  Internally I know that I'm still me, but that day has changed my life forever.  Unfortunately it isn't because I pushed two big babies out of my vagina unmedicated to their parents.  I had waited so long to be able to see the babies' faces and then hand them to their mother.  But it was all taken from me.  At this moment I don't mind if I never see them again.  This is not what I expected to happen.  And I had honestly wondered how I would feel when I had them.  Numb.  That's how I felt and still feel toward them.  Numb. They were the only people that left my house the morning of the birth that came out of that day without being harmed and traumatized.  

It was all out of my hands, but I am so thankful that the three of us did make it out alive.