Here it is, in the raw form. I did send it to 2 friends for proof-reading, but this is it. I plan on sending it by the end of the week, assuming that I can get the letter written to the OB first. And that will be a separate blog post.
(All identifying information has been taken out.)
Wow, I never thought in a million years that I would be writing this letter. But after everything has gone the way that it has, I am now put in this position. I need to let both of you know my thoughts and feelings on exactly what has gone on and then it is in out of my hands. At this point, I have nothing to lose, or gain, it seems. But I have to continue to be true to myself so here it is.
IM~
I wanted to become a surrogate to help a couple become a family. I didn't intend on working with a couple that already had a child or children. But when we first started talking I just really couldn't consider helping anyone else because I could hear the hurt in your voice and it killed me. When you finally told me that IF was an OB, I figured that it was going to be a challenge.. and I love a challenge! Even though you wanted me to not do the safest thing by going to the hospital for a healthy & normal pregnancy, I considered that a challenge too... walk in at the last minute and push the baby out and then come home, seemed easy enough.
All through the pregnancy I was getting more and more excited for you. Even though a home birth was taken from me and the babies, I still had a lot of things going the way that I needed them to. And then each of those things were taken away. Finding out the sexes of the babies, laboring at home where I was comfortable, handing each baby to you so that I could see your face when you finally saw your new children, being able to be a surrogate at least one other time, and then coming home after the birth to recover where I could feel more comfortable. I understood that it was going to be next to impossible to not find out the genders with the PBO. So I still made it fun when you confirmed that they were boys. The other things were all ripped away from me. Even when I was ordered to show up for an induction, the only thing that got me through the entire day without going batshit crazy was knowing that I could hand each baby to you and see your face. There isn't a surrogate in the land that doesn't anticipate that moment. That is the whole reason that we do this! And then each baby was ripped from me and I couldn't even see your face. I was so numb that I couldn't take my concentration off of keeping my right foot on the pedal. Because of what the OB was doing to me, that is all I could focus on.
I'm not even sure what to say about the induction. You asked me if I see it differently now that I'm not pregnant. No. I do not. As a student midwife I am being taught to always go by 'evidence-based medicine' with all biases aside. An induction at 38w5d under the guise of "PIH" is in no way 'evidence-based medicine'. But that sure is what my medical records will say for the rest of my life. The absolute only time my BP was anywhere near what would be considered elevated was when I was stressed. Actual PIH is only accurate with consistent readings above 140/90, water retention, and protein in the urine.
A. a record of BPs above 140/90, or even consistently near that, is not to be found with this pregnancy. The only time my blood pressure was even remotely elevated occurred only during OB appointments with you and/or IF present. And also the night I was in the hospital, because of the stretching pain in my side, when Dr N came on the floor I knew I was flipping out and it was elevated. After he left, it returned to 120's/70's. According to my charts, my BP did not consistently remain near the 140/90 point at any time during my pregnancy. Period.
2. did I have water retention? You bet. I was 8 & 9 months pregnant during the hottest July (with humidity as a factor) on record, pregnant with 2 normal size babies, spent most of my time outside, and I was running around chasing my own children. Yes, I was a little bit swollen.
d. Protein in urine? Yes I did have trace amounts. I dipped my urine before you came to get me the morning of 'the appointment'. I had a trace amount of protein. That is it. Trace, not +3 as I was told in his office. I just do not know, physiologically, how I could go from letting my urine build up for over 3 hours and I only got a trace amount, to peeing in his office less than an hour later and I had +3, and then it was back down to trace amounts when I dipped it again an hour and a half after the appointment.
And I have to touch on the 'significant weight gain' that I was told that I had. I can not wrap my brain around 47 pounds (w/ over 15 of that being babies), when I am 5'10", and I am not considered obese, as a significant amount. I was told at the appointment that I had gained 8 pounds in 10 days. IM, you kept repeating that "this is dangerous, {my name}. we aren't talking about 5 or 6 pounds. eight pounds in 10 days is almost a pound a day and that is dangerous". That was a blatant lie that I was told by the OB. I gained 6 pounds in 10 days according to my certified medical records.
Actual PIH can also include headaches, blurred vision, inability to tolerate bright light, fatigue, nausea/vomiting, urinating small amounts, pain in the upper right abdomen, shortness of breath, and tendency to bruise easily. With these symptoms present (along with the other 3 above) an induction should be considered and then using risks v benefits a safe conclusion should be made. I challenge anyone to show me when a single one of these symptoms were present during the pregnancy. I have also had other physicians and midwives go over my medical records and charts. There has not been anyone that confirms that an induction was warranted for a medical reason that day. You gave me a direct quote that came apparently from {my midwife}. After talking to her, I was told that that was a completely untruthful quote. She said that she has no idea if I would have failed another 24 urine catch. Period.
Now that I've answered that question, I will answer your other question: did I feel I was emotionally ready for surrogacy? From the time that we started talking until around 36 weeks I felt as if you and I had developed a friendship. I thought I was one of the lucky surros that could consider my IM a friend. While I knew that I was 'a means to an end', I also honestly thought that we were more than that on a personal level. When people asked me who the babies belonged to I always said that I was carrying for a friend. At the end of the pregnancy I felt that you were feeling pressure because I hadn't already had the babies. I feel this pressure was coming from IF, knowing when his vacation was scheduled for, family & friends, and just the general excitement knowing that we were within a month of the babies coming. I felt as if the energy changed when you started going to appointments with me knowing that we were still just chugging along and they wouldn't be born before IF went on vacation. When we were at the Olive Garden with {a doula friend} you even stated that I needed to have the babies before he came down. {Doula friend} & you even made jokes about you pleading me to go into labor before he came down if I wanted to have a smooth, natural birth. That was a real eye-opener for me. You were completely serious and I took it as a warning that things were not going to go the way I/we had planned if not.
I was trying to bend over backwards to help put you at ease by scheduling my appointments with {my chiropractor} & the OB so that you could come. I even did a NST that the OB didn't require because you wanted me to. There wasn't a medical reason, but I knew that you would feel less anxiety having proof that the babies were still going strong. I worked it out so that {my doula/close friend} & I could go early that Friday morning to do the test. I called you before I ever got to the hospital to let you know the plan and I offered 3 different times to wait on you to come to it. You chose not to, which honestly made me feel relief because with the different energy around (coming from all of us) I was worried that my BP would go up and that would be the ammunition IF needed to call for an induction. As it was my BP was perfect and so were the babies. And then you decided to leave. Feeling like I wasn't going to go into labor soon I felt that was a good thing too. Let everyone have time to regroup because I did not like feeling so much stress and pressure and I sure didn't want it to go on like that for another 3 weeks.
On Monday morning when I started having contractions I didn't know if it was the real thing or not. But I called you and let you know what was going on so that you could have the choice of coming down or waiting. When I found out that you were coming in the same vehicle, I knew right then that you would not be leaving when IF's vacation was over without the babies. On Monday I still felt that I could trust you. And I was excited that you were going to be down here so that I didn't feel the stress of a quick birth that you would miss. I was a little disappointed that I didn't have the babies that night. On Tuesday evening, when I came to the resort, IF asked me to consider 'natural' induction methods. I thought "oh boy, here we go.. he only has a week of vacation that he chose to schedule when I was only 38 weeks.. I'm still pregnant.. he's still 'stuck' down here (as I was reminded a few times)... and everyone is over this pregnancy". And then the two of you decided that the babies were fighting each other, and my body, for nutrition and we were 'in the danger category' of the pregnancy. There was not a single bit of medical evidence to support this. IF said, and I quote, "there is nothing to be gained by you being pregnant still, for the babies or you". He used that quote a few more times before the night was over and again the next day at the appointment. (Honestly, it is scary if that is his belief as an OB taking care of pregnant women, but I'm not even going there.) This was when all trust was lost on my part.
I knew going into the appointment that this was the angle that IF was going for. I knew that one way or another I was going to be coerced into an induction. And I even brought up his 'concerns' during the appointment, but that was shuttled away because I was already given the order for the induction so it didn't matter all of a sudden. When I left the house that morning I was armed with knowing that medically the babies & I were both safe and healthy. While I was giving my urine sample I heard the three of you talking at the end of the hallway. Still trying to keep my integrity, I walked into the room without causing a scene. The wonderful nurse, who also already had tears in her eyes, said that the OB told her not to take my BP until he was in the room. Hmm, wonder why my BP was up when the 3 of you came in? Realizing that apparently I do have a price so I didn't have a choice to say no to the induction makes me physically ill to think about. I gave my word to honor our contract so I had to keep it... even if it was against everything I believe in, actual evidence-based medicine, and trying to protect the babies and my own body.
IM, I honestly believed you when you came to my house that night and said that you felt stuck between me and IF. You didn't have to confirm that he was pissed that I was still pregnant and his vacation was almost over, but it did give me validation that at least you were caring enough to let me know that this was going on. But I gave up all responsibility for the babies' safety that night, as I told you. IF knew the medical risks of giving a twin pregnancy, a 4th almost full-term pregnant woman Pitocin when her body & the babies were not ready. But he still decided to. You asked me to understand that you could not tell your husband no. I could not do that. As a mother, there is not a person on this earth that could make me forgo the safety of my children to fit their own agenda. But we are different people and I accept that now. The irony in you showing up that night to talk is that I was in labor. I had taken the castrol oil, prayed beyond belief, walked, etc and I was actually having contractions that were 3-4 minutes apart and getting more intense. I told Mom, around 9:30, that I just 'knew' that the babies were going to be born around 3-3:30am. We came up with the plan to call you, {midwife friend}, and {doula/close friend} around 11:30-12 to meet us at the hospital. We were slowly, in between contractions, getting things packed for the hospital when you got here. From the moment that you walked in the door I only had 2 contractions until you left. My body completely shut my labor down. Fight or flight. I decided hell with it and I went to lay down. I gave up.
The day of the induction... well, here are my thoughts. I did what I was told to do. I was ordered to show up for an non-medically necessary elective induction, that went against everything that we had ever discussed, but I did not financially have a choice to go against the contract, so I went to the hospital. (Comp wise, absolutely I could/would repay every dime to change the birth.. but I do not have the liquid assets to reimburse you for the attorneys, RE, IVF attempts, and medications to breach the contract...so I did as I was contractually obligated to do.)
I felt a lot of pressure to make the birth go as smoothly as possible. I am the first gestational surrogate in {our state}, so legally I wanted everything to go the best that it could so that other women & families will be able to pursue surrogacy in the future in this state. I am striving to become a midwife and will need to keep a good working relationship with the staff so that I can transport women there when medically needed. The first surrogacy for the hospital so they legally needed it to go perfectly. And I had to literally fight for a vaginal birth for myself and the babies. And for a vaginal birth, I even had to fight off an epidural so that statistically I would have better odds. However the real reason that I did not get one is because in order for the OB to cut me open, he would have to put me under general. I knew that he would have to have actual concrete reasons to cut me open if he had to knock me out to do it. And the RNs told me that day that they would not sign off on anything unless it was a fact that there was an actual emergency going on. Those things alone are a lot to deal with, even with the most perfect births and relationships going on.
I have to stop and talk about the things I found out from the nurses. When one of the RNs came in to start her shift she came into my room and told me some very disturbing things that I was blindsided by. I've known this woman for years and she had promised that she would come in for the birth day as long as I got ahold of her to let her know when it was happening. That morning she told me "when you called the hospital on Monday saying you were in labor, it was my day off but I changed my plans and came in when they called me {telling her that I was in labor}.. then you didn't show up and we were all confused!". I was so confused because I did not call the hospital on Monday. When I asked what she was talking about she said "when you called Monday saying that your contractions were 5 minutes apart and you wanted both OBs notified so they could put the OR on standby". Are you kidding me?! Not only was that completely illegal to do, but I just can not believe that you did that! If you had called telling them the truth, that you were YOU, to give them a head's up, that would be one thing. But you didn't even tell me that you did that! I knew nothing of this conversation! I was also told by another RN, that I've also known for years, that when I didn't come in Monday night the OB called Tuesday morning and cleared the books for inductions Thursday because I would be coming in. She said that my room had been kept open since Monday because they knew that I was coming Thursday. Funny how I didn't find out that I 'needed' to be induced until Wednesday afternoon. And then there is that matter of the phone call that IF made outside before we left for the appointment Wednesday. {babysitter} was on the porch and heard the whole conversation between IF (and IF's friend) where IF told her that we were leaving for an appointment, but I was going to be induced the next morning and the babies would be born the next day. {babysitter} tried with all of her might to get my attention so that she could get me alone to tell me this before we left. But I didn't know until we came back to my house and you guys had gone. {babysitter} contacted Mom, while we were gone, so that Mom could get her clothes packed to head over here. And {my son} said that {IP's son} told him Tuesday evening while they were swimming that "Dad told me my brothers are going to be born Thursday". After hearing all of this information, the lack of respect and trust was completely thrown out the window towards you. I still did what I was asked to do, but that was a huge factor in the labor lasting as long as it did. So much hostility to deal with while trying to make my body perform was not good.
I had a talk with {doula/close friend} during one of my escapes while eating in the bathroom. I wasn't sure how to get the energy to be positive, but I knew that I couldn't feel so much anger towards everything if I was going to productively give birth. That was a big turning point in my labor. And just so that it's out there, I was very proud and impressed with the nurses being as nice to you guys as they were. I was told that IF was trying to 'buy' them by bringing in lunches and dinners, but that they were on my 'side'. Sounds like the food was good, I was not offered any while I was in the hospital at any time.
And then the birth happened.
As with other rape victims, I had to crawl inside of myself and it became something that was happening to someone else. That it was not happening to me. It was a complete out of body experience. To have a man take complete control over my body, humiliate me, put me up on the bed raised so high in the air so that I could not escape, violate me when I was at my most vulnerable, hold my ankles and leg down so that he could take the power out of my ability to fight back, and do the horrific things that he did to me... I just can't understand the 'why' of it. I am slowly accepting that I will never know why. The only way I have to fight back now is to let every woman in this area know what he did. I could never knowingly let another woman be put through what I went through. Surrogacy aside, what he did was illegal and dangerous. I am still struggling with not being able to tell my closest friends. I feel that they all perceive me as a strong, independent, empowered woman... I have 9 pound babies on my bed & vaginally give birth unmedicated to other people's babies for crying out loud. But I can't tell them what happened to me. I am struggling with it so much because I don't want them to know that I was broken, used, humiliated, powerless, and destroyed that day. I am afraid that they will not be able to distinguish between the person that went through the birth rape from the person that they all feel that I am.
One of the other reasons that I decided to help you is because you said that you were going to induce lactation to be able to nurse your baby. That was very important to me because I feel so strongly in the benefits of breastmilk. I was more than happy to help supplement for a few weeks. I finally asked you how that was going when I was around 33 (?) weeks. That was when you said that you decided not to because you felt that it was going to be so overwhelming and you didn't know if you would ever make enough for twins. Okay, that is your right as they are your babies, even if I disagree with that decision.. not my babies. But then you asked if I would pump for their first year. I was floored! I had already given so much to be a surrogate, to know that I had to have a hospital birth, to put my children through everything... but to continue to do it for another entire year because you were too intimidated to nurse your own children...but you thought it was perfectly acceptable that I do it? Oh hell no. But then I felt guilty so I gave you names and information for other women that were more than happy to do it for you. And I even had {friend} give you some of her milk when we thought the babies might have been born at 34 weeks. But you chose to not contact anyone to get donated milk. And, again, that's your right. But then {the night RN} came into my room to see if I wanted a manual or electric pump because you told her that I was going to pump colostrum, that really upset me. After everything that I had just gone through, and knowing that I told you that I wasn't going to pump, and not to mention the chemicals that I had to have because of the induction and hemorrhage, but the RN was still asked to see which pump I wanted to borrow from the hospital... nope, not happening.
My 'new me tour' was probably the best decision that I have ever made in my life. At first I was using it as a distraction to run away from it all. But I am so fortunate that I have such amazing people in my life that I can trust, that I was able to actually start the real healing process. I know that I need to keep talking about the birth and that it will slowly get easier to accept what he did to me. I see the birth & the surrogacy as two different things.
I knew all along that you read what I post on {a website}. And knowing that, I felt that I couldn't talk about the surrogacy and any negative things on there with the other surrogates. I will not even discuss the thread from the day of the induction. I posted the truth and that is the only thing that I have control over. I did not even look at the thread until the day after I came home. However hearing how my friends were treated at the hospital because of what other people were saying on the thread on {the website} and also Facebook, that was completely uncalled for. They had no more control over others' opinions than I do. While I agree with most of what was posted, I did not do it publicly. I was being honest with everyone when I wrote on {the website} that I lost the real relationship that I have with my IPs. The 'real' relationship being the key part. The week that the babies were born I did know that I was going to not want to actively pursue a relationship. I figured if we kept in touch, fine. If not, fine. But after what the OB did to me I could not look at the babies without them being a constant reminder of the birth. I saw their pictures and all I could do was flash to being held down with his hands. Just too painful.
But I am trying my damnedest to put aside the actual birth and remember that I helped make your mom, and IF's parents, grandparents again. I helped your Aunt & your sisters to have two new nephews. I helped {IP's son} be a big brother. I helped make two new cousins come into the family. And that I helped you become a mother to two more sons. I literally helped to make your entire family different. Sure they could have still been born to another surrogate, but I am the one that got to help.
I am also trying my best to let myself be proud for fighting to give birth vaginally, to a 7lb3oz baby and a 8lb4oz baby, within 12 minutes of each other, outside of the OR, and unmedicated. That alone should empower me to the highest level, but it will just take time I think. And I do plan on talking to my girlfriends about the birth soon. This letter was a huge step in the healing for me.
Will I ever want a relationship of some kind? Honestly, I do not know right now. I am just taking my time trying to deal with all aspects and sort through each issue one at a time.
Seeing the picture of the boys where {one of the twins} was grinning did make me smile. That's the first time that I've seen their faces and let myself look at them as someone's cute babies and not a reminder of what the OB did to me. I am still hurt that I didn't get a chance to hold and snuggle the babies like most surrogates do. And it was the very first birth that I have ever been to that I did not cry over the miracle of birth. And that is very upsetting to me. There was never a time for me to get closure with them because I was busy being stabilized and prepped for getting blood transfusions. Knowing that the hemorrhage was completely avoidable by not inducing me is a pretty big pill to swallow.
And to be honest, I am still upset that you did not step up to financially take care of me after the babies were born. I had to be on medically necessary total bed rest, that you were completely aware of, and yet I had to pay $900 to {babysitter}. She was here for 13 days, at least 14 hours a day taking care of me and my children...cleaning, cooking, babysitting while I was stuck in bed because physically I could not stand up without feeling like I was going to pass out cold. {cousin} came to take care of me the day my mom had to go home to work (Sunday) and then {babysitter} was here the rest of the time. This was all a direct result of the blood loss, not just the normal recovery after a pregnancy. {babysitter} had to rearrange her entire life to do this. She had to bring her grandkids with her twice, and then she paid for them to go to a daycare the other days because she was not able to babysit them like she had committed to with her daughter. Her sister also had knee replacement surgery the week after the babies were born and she had already committed to taking care of her (and {cousin} and {doula/close friend} split that day to be with me and the kids so that {babysitter} could at least go to the hospital to be with her sister after her surgery, and then {babysitter} came back here that evening). Instead their other sister had to take time off of work to do that because {babysitter} chose to be with me. There was no way that I could not pay her. Luckily she loves me and the kids enough that she did rearrange everything for me. My mom just could not take any more time off of work to be here.
To answer the question of whether I was emotionally ready for surrogacy.. yes, I was ready. I had no problems with taking the required chemicals. I had no problems staying detached to the babies. And I had no problems with my hormones after the birth.. somehow! I let your decisions for the babies come from you, because you are their mother. That's what surrogates do. I was emotionally ready to lose my uterus, if it came to that, because I am done with my family. So yes, I was completely ready emotionally for surrogacy.
I was not emotionally ready to be raped that day by the OB or to feel that my IPs went behind my back in any way. And I was not emotionally ready to know that I can never trust another set of IPs again. So I don't know how in the world I could ever be a surrogate again. I was not emotionally ready for this to be my only surrogacy. Not to mention how I could actually give birth without letting the PTSD come back and that would stop any vaginal birth in its tracks.
I am so blessed that I do have the support that I do. And I am beyond amazed that after everything, there has not been a hint of postpartum depression. Perhaps that is my stubbornness coming through, but I refuse to allow this to be the new me. I will not let the OB win by wallowing in a depression for months or years over what he did to me. I am slowly getting over the guilt that I feel because my mother, friend, and {midwife} were witness to the worst day of my entire life. They should have never been in that room to see what he did to me. That day was far more horrible than when I found out that my best friend {her name} had died. And, being completely honest here, I am slowly getting to where I do not regret the babies even being born. I wanted to take it all back, even though that would mean that they would never be alive. But I am getting to a healthier place and accepting that I had to go through it all for some reason. And I now am happy that they are in the world. But having a relationship in any capacity with you will take time, and I can't even know if that is something that I will want or not yet. Hopefully I will soon be able to answer when people ask how the babies are doing. Right now I just say that I don't want to discuss it and change the subject. But I will get to that place and I am on the right path finally.
IF, I only have one question for you.
How could you, not as the father of the babies or even as an OB, but just as a man, and a human being with a heart and soul, how could you allow the OB do those vile and sadistic things to me without stepping in and trying to protect me in any way?
That is it. The forgiveness is in my hands. After thinking about nothing but this 24/7 since the end of July I have decided to forgive the things that I feel were done to me on the part of both of you. I can not hold the anger in any longer. This letter was horribly painful for me to write and relive, but I am glad that I did because it has helped ease my soul on the path of healing. The issues with the OB have been discussed in a letter to him that I am attaching.
