in time

The bleeding has stopped.  I've now had AF twice and it has been manageable (thank you tiny baby Jesus).  I had my follow-up appt this morning and all is well, finally.
I had to step far away from my blog for a little while and run from it all again.  
I was in the grocery store before Christmas and I was alone.  I came to the end of an aisle and looked up.  There he was.  
The monster.  
I was frozen.  
He looked me in the eyes and then looked down to my toes and looked all the way back up my body until he was looking me in the eyes again.  


And he smiled.  


He smiled at me.  


Smiled!  


This monster that ripped my soul out of my body was standing there smiling at me.  I took off running.  People were looking at me like I was on Supermarket Sweep because I was hauling ass out of there.  
I called my girlfriend that was at the birth and just sobbed.  I went into a panic attack and couldn't think.  My entire body was numb and tingling.  My cheeks stung from the tears.  I got in the car and drove to the end of the parking lot and had to stop in the middle because I couldn't move.  It was a solid hour of her keeping me calm before I could drive home.  I can not believe that he smiled at me.  
Now, before the pregnancy, we would have stood and chatted for probably 15 minutes.  But I refuse to let my mind believe that what he did was so insignificant to him that he could smile at me.  And so the nightmares began again.  My weight had plateaued at this point, but since then I've lost even more weight.  I'm now down 85 pounds from when I got pregnant, and I only gained 47 with the babies.  I have not seen a size 6 since 2002 until now.  
The day after I had surgery the IM deleted me from her FB.  Deleted from their lives.  Here are the texts from the next morning, which is the last contact that we've had....

me: Well then, I guess that is that.  I was really surprised that you didn't even email to check on me yesterday, but I suppose this is the end since you deleted me from FB  last night.  At least I can hold my head high & I know that I did an amazing thing for you.  I wish you & the 3 boys the very best in life. ~ {my name}

IM: {my name}, I am physically and mentally exhausted.. Being very honest with you, I worried and thought about you all day the day of your surgery.  But whenever I email you, I feel like I get a very quick, cold response.  Truthfully, I feel like I am bothering you.  I don't know what you want.  You don't even ask about the boys ever.  You did do an amazing thing for us.. I am forever grateful to you.  I deleted you from FB because I can't deal with this anymore.. I can't believe this is where our relationship has gone.  I wanted to share all the boys experiences with you, but you didn't seem interested.  I am sad, and heartbroken over this.... I can't believe this is where we're at. 

Her response leads me to believe that she never did get the 'letter' that I emailed them.  I knew that I shouldn't have sent it to the email that IF has access to.  Oh well.  It made me feel immediately better just writing it all out, so that's okay for now.  I did send 2 big boxes of Christmas presents to their house.  I had gotten the boys huge canvas bags/totes for their room and had their names embroidered on them and then I filled them with outfits and toys.  Mostly toys and clothes with turtle & frogs, of course.  And I felt irrationally guilty so I bought their son a few toys, her a few things, and even IF a couple of bottles of wine.  I had already not gotten a Christmas card, or pictures, but she didn't even send me a note to say 'f*ck off and leave us alone'.  So I guess that's that.    




But none of that is what is making me blog now.  Today, on our surrogate board, the subject of birth rape came up.  Someone said that she had been both date raped and birth raped.  She then went on to say 

 "The date rape is something I think about almost every day of my life, almost ruinng [sic] my current relationship bc of the torturing thoughts I have... 

The "birth rape", I have NEVER, EVER thought about it and doesn't pose a threat to my relationship bc of the torturous thoughts." 

This is the reply that I wanted to post, but I didn't want to put it there.  I needed to put it here where I feel safer. 
I will only speak about being birth raped (in context to your thoughts).. this by far has been the worst thing I have ever gone through in my life.  We aren't talking about someone upping the Pit when you've begged them not to.  This is something far more horrible.  
It has most definitely affected my every day life and now my relationships.  Not just the trust issue of somehow forcing myself to allow someone that I've known all of my adult life to be my partner, but it almost ruined intimate moments forever for me.  
The first time I was touched after the birth made me break down sobbing.  All I could do was flash back to the OB smacking my clitoris multiple times and screaming at me to shut up when I asked him to stop 'stretching' me.  This was while he was using his other hand to ram his 4 fingers into me over and over.  I kept begging him to stop.  He yelled "so now you're trying to tell me how to do my job?"  I was bawling and said that I was just trying to give birth.  


Okay, I can't do this.  I thought I was ready to write about it a little bit.  I can't.